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What if you really did do something not right in terms of righteous courage?
What if you never really supported your beloved when he was suffered the most under the cruel and dirty attack and betrayal from his most trusted friends and you thought you did support your beloved but perhaps it turned out that you didn’t?
11月30日那天，通過了巴里機場海關，還有二個多小時才要登機，就在那裡等著。腦海中浮現一幕幕電影，有關在巴里這五個月的一切。我彷彿是個第三者般地觀看著所有這驚滔駭浪事件的發生，沒有什麼情緒地，觀看著這過程，就只是個觀照者。
然而，就在觀看到我只想維持自己是個第三者，沒有辦法與Deepak一起挺身站出來在險惡環境中戰鬥時，難過的情緒強烈湧現，淚水就一直不斷流下，久久，久久，無法停止。我想我大概無法接受自己竟然不能與自己親愛的伴侶一起並肩作戰。
我終究不是個fighter。
我只能是個事實的見證者。
What if you really did do something not right in terms of righteous courage?
What if you never really supported your beloved when he was suffered the most under the cruel and dirty attack and betrayal from his most trusted friends and you thought you did support your beloved and did stand on his side but perhaps it turned out that you didn’t?
Everything during Pluto transit is so dark energy. You wanted/want to go through it with a sense of peacefulness, just don’t want to get involved, but it just doesn’t work that way.
You and your beloved are both so incurably romantic and idealistic who still hope for something miracle like justice and fairness in the world. But you separately do it in very different ways. You tend to go inside yourself, dealing with your own thoughts, feelings and emotions. You are not interested in changing the way the reality world has been operating. In a way you are so optimistic about Life itself, which everything will find its way out. In a way you are so pessimistic about the reality world itself, thinking that the way the reality world operates will never change, so why bother to say anything or do anything. And perhaps it is people like you who somehow let the dark evil energy get away.
Your beloved would fight to expose or reveal the truths so that people would not get harmed again like him by those dark energies. And you would go inside to deal with yourself.
Your beloved is a spiritual warrior, a spiritual fighter. He dares to fight injustice and unfairness. He dares to confront injustice and unfairness. He is so incurably romantic and idealistic that he thinks that the reality world can be much much better if people know the truths. Or at least people won’t get cheated again like his experiences. So he has devoted himself to tell the truths, not realizing that people might concern more about themselves to be safe and secure or people might want to have some peace not to know so much truth of dark side of life than to know the truths or to expose the truths. Your beloved keeps doing this, out of his passions for truths for a better world that people won’t get harmed by the same dirty stuff repeatedly.
And you, somehow so cold, don’t want any emotional turmoil, storm. You would rather let go of all this dirty stuff so just you can move on in life. You, like most people, avoid any trouble as much as you can. You think this is the way the reality world operates. People in power are always the ones who decide the rules of the game. Whatever they might say something so wonderful and beautiful for whatever they have been doing, basically just for covering their real intentions.
Remember the day all the stuff came to some kind of conclusion, 22 Oct 2010, you wrote down in your diary:
Even I already knew that there is no such thing as justice or fairness in the reality world, somehow my incurable idealistic and romantic part still hoping for something that might have been different this time. The result turned out that I had the wrong hope. Recently all those things going on in our compound are really dark energy that I was hoping for some miracle from the so-called “spiritual conscious” people. Then the reality, again, proves that there is no such thing as justice or fairness in the reality world. Power trip is always power trip. People in power are always the ones who decide the rules and regulations. The rest of it which sounds so great is nothing but covering the true intention. And people in power, particularly dark power, never care about people. They only care about how to get what they want.
I was so angry today. The anger exploded out. But really inside myself I didn’t really have anger. I could sense all my body without tension, my breathing smooth. It was kind of just that moment the anger came out, and then it was gone.
Deepak said that is because I am not an angry person so I don’t really have anger.
I don’t like to talk about those dark dirty stuffs. Even I know they are always in the world but I never like to waste my energy to talk about it. But I just did, without mentioning anything specific.
就在寫完上述日記後，雖說沒有憤怒，但是就在聽著音樂的時候，彷彿牽動了內在某個地方，淚水流下來。
Can something be not right, and yet be justified?!
原來，內在對世間的不公不義很感哀傷。有種無奈，但是內心又難以接受，好像某種浪漫理想到無可救藥的我，總又懷抱著某種期望，看看是否有什麼奇蹟。而事實總是一再證明著，嘿，別傻了，這世間有所謂正義公平這回事嗎？人世間真有所謂公道嗎？
而總在這種時候，內在特別想要單獨一個人，覺得致力於世間的任何事情都很浪費生命。
發現自己通常只在自己內在能量很好的時候，才會想要走出來和人分享，不然就會只想自己一個人，特別是個人內在很低盪的時候。
Yes, I am so afraid that I sort of betrayed/betray my beloved because I was/am such a coward, without any righteous courage (道德勇氣) that I dare not to stand up to fight the evil energy. Yes, I am so afraid that it wouldn’t make any difference even I did/do stand up to do anything. Deep down, I guess, I just don’t believe that people in dark power would change the way they think.
不管妳的想法如何，妳的考慮如何，總是無法抹除「妳沒有道德勇氣」這個事實。
是的，我承認，我沒有道德勇氣。
原來我這麼怕事，怕惹出什麼事情，然後後果不堪設想。
如果妳連妳最摯愛的人受到如此不公義的對待時，妳都沒有辦法挺身而戰，那麼妳一向的「但願眾生得離苦」的發願，豈非一大笑話！
是的，妳可以做到當個見證人，挺身作證事實經過，但是，敢不敢出來反擊？不敢。因為妳感覺到四周充滿了威脅，妳不喜歡那種威脅感，不喜歡那種全身緊繃充滿疑心的感覺，想的就是如何安全離開。公義？再說了，安全重要。這真的是天大的笑話啊。
Your Beloved Deepak幾次跟妳說，童子軍的訓練裡，如果一位童子軍在叢林中劈荊斬棘開路前進，他會先拉住樹枝，等同伴後人安全通過，才把手上握住的樹枝鬆開，以免後人受到樹枝回打而受傷。或者他們遇險難的地方，就會標示記號，好讓後人不再重蹈覆轍，不致於誤入險境而受傷害。這是童子軍的榮譽，不僅只是自己安全離開而已，也要為後人著想。
是的，Deepak說的一點也沒有錯。
我，就是沒有道德勇氣罷了。
PS. 有關這篇貼文，還有後續幾篇，陸陸續續已經寫得差不多，就是個人覺得仍然有些敏感，擱在那兒遲遲未貼上來。詢問了Deepak，他給了非常正面的支持，又讓我既訝異且感動的是，他竟然回應了我寫在中文的部分「我終究不是個fighter」，他可一點也不懂中文喔。
Here is what Deepak replies to me:
It is beautiful as it is. Not even one word should be changed. It is a Question for all of us. It is the Deepest Question there is. It is the unanswerable Question that every spiritual seeker must ask and ask again and carry with them forever on life's journey.
What to do with the Evil in this world?
I am the Gate 38, not you. I had to learn that I stand Alone.
